Experience:Meditation with cannabis - terminated ego loss: Difference between revisions
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I thought I was on the verge of enlightenment. This would mean, that it would be unnecessary for my mind to continue inhabit this body I was leaving behind, as the person I used to be would from then onwards act in a perfect harmony, bringing as much happiness as possible to everybody around it. But the catch was that 'I' would cut the tie with my current being and move into another being, that of an undefined animal form, and I would start the process of reaching for enlightenment again, from the beginning. I imagined this was the mechanism of how to 'liberate all sentient beings'. I was frightened of the unknown future and felt great attachment to my current self, which I didn't want to lose, and I backed out. Soon after I felt that the whole idea was rather ridiculous, as it didn't really match with my concept of enlightenment. | I thought I was on the verge of enlightenment. This would mean, that it would be unnecessary for my mind to continue inhabit this body I was leaving behind, as the person I used to be would from then onwards act in a perfect harmony, bringing as much happiness as possible to everybody around it. But the catch was that 'I' would cut the tie with my current being and move into another being, that of an undefined animal form, and I would start the process of reaching for enlightenment again, from the beginning. I imagined this was the mechanism of how to 'liberate all sentient beings'. I was frightened of the unknown future and felt great attachment to my current self, which I didn't want to lose, and I backed out. Soon after I felt that the whole idea was rather ridiculous, as it didn't really match with my concept of enlightenment. | ||
I tried to focus on becoming same with the buddha again, but now it led me to another delusion. I felt that everything in my life, all the people in it and all my experiences had been only in order to bring me to this point. And thus everything was about me, all of the outer reality was only an illusion in my mind. Somehow this led me to a thought | I tried to focus on becoming same with the buddha again, but now it led me to another delusion. I felt that everything in my life, all the people in it and all my experiences had been only in order to bring me to this point. And thus everything was about me, all of the outer reality was only an illusion in my mind. Somehow this led me to a thought: I had already died before, and this life I was now living was only some kind of an afterlife limbo. I was terrified and backed out from following this thought further, and wanted just to feel alive again and started to pace around my room. I tried to think it trough rationally; how could there be some condition of life, from which I would have already been dead, if this life I'm now experiencing is the only life I know? The rationale seemed reasonable, but didn't help with my feeling of fear and the general sense of illusionary nature of external reality. I wanted my surroundings to feel solid again, and I went to see if my housemate would still exist, I woke him up and had a comforting conversation with him. Soon afterwards I felt exhausted and went to bed soon. | ||
==Analysis== | ==Analysis== |